As I was sitting in church this morning, my mood swung from “I’m fine, everything’s fine” to “this is almost more than I can bear!” I don’t really even know what brought it on. All I know is that as I stood on stage singing my heart out to God as I helped lead worship, I was suddenly gripped with an intense feeling of loneliness and insecurity. My voice wasn’t as strong as it could have been, and I was keenly aware of the fact that I probably looked like a fat blob up there on stage under the bright lights wearing the white blouse I chose to wear this morning. As I looked out at all the couples, I couldn’t help but think that if my husband were home, he’d be sitting there in that pew where we usually sit, offering the quiet support I am so used to finding in his eyes and in his ready smile. If he were home, all the old insecurities about my weight and appearance wouldn’t matter, because he’s the only one whose opinion matters. The days till his return seem like almost an eternity, and I often find that when I sink into these depressive moods, I wonder if I will be able to manage until the day we are reunited. But then, I wonder if we will be OK. Will he still find me attractive? Will he be proud of how well I’ve handled things while he was gone? Has he changed much? Have I changed much? Will reintegration be more difficult this time than it was the last time he deployed?
You see, my husband is deployed right now, and has been for some months. For the time being, I am my children’s sole caretaker. The responsibility for keeping them fed, clothed, bathed, well-rested, and safe . . . the responsibility for their education, their upbringing, ensuring they spend more time in active play than watching TV or playing on their LeapPads, ensuring they get to all their speech therapy, doctor, and other appointments on time . . . all rests squarely on my shoulders. In addition to the care of our children, I have to keep our home running smoothly, handle the finances, keep our vehicles maintained, and take care of all of the inevitable crises that keep popping up simply because my husband is gone. So far this deployment, we’ve gone through two washing machines, our computer’s hard drive failed, ants have invaded our home several times, the air conditioner broke, and we have been sick countless times. It has literally been one thing after another. Add to that the guilt I feel over the fact that I can’t seem to carve out enough time to sleep, take a shower, or eat properly, let alone work out like “every GOOD military wife” should do, and is it any wonder that I am feeling defeated?
I am supposed to be homeschooling our children. We started out strong, but I must admit getting back into it after the holiday craziness has been extremely difficult. We are lucky if we get in three days a week. I know my daughter is only in kindergarten, and it isn’t exactly a lack of enthusiasm that is keeping me from plunging back into it, but something is holding me back from diving in with the same determination and excitement I felt at the beginning of the school year. I can’t exactly put my finger on what it is. Perhaps it is just the fact that I am weary. I am bone weary. Something has to change. But what?
When our time of worship was over this morning, I moved back to my usual spot in the third pew from the front. I found myself praying with an earnestness I have not felt in many weeks. “God, grant me strength. Grant me peace. Help me to get through this. Guard our marriage, guard our hearts, pull us through this. And help me to find my identity, my self-worth in you alone.”
As our pastor began his sermon, I looked out the window and saw two hawks flying over the field across the street from our church. It was a beautiful sight as they dipped, soared, and glided on the breeze. And now, as I reflect on their dance, the words of Isaiah 40:10-15 and 21-31 come to mind.
10 See, the Sovereign Lord comes with power,My God is the Master of the universe. He knows the end from the beginning, and works out all things according to His plan. And yet, even with all He has to worry about, HE CARES FOR ME. He knows I have little ones. He knows I am weary. He holds my children close to His heart, and He gently leads me. All I need to do is call on Him, and He WILL give me the strength to pull through this. He hears me criticize my looks and says “that’s the way I created you . . . you are fearfully and wonderfully made.” He hears my shaky voice, still recovering from a cold, lifted up in praise to Him and knows I am giving my very breath, my very life, back to Him in worship. To His ears, it is a beautiful sound because I sing for Him only. He sees me struggling to make ends meet, and provides all we need. He knows my deepest hurts and longings, as the sting of separation from the man I love grows only deeper rather than easier as one might expect. And God offers the companionship I so desperately need. I need only to turn to Him and spend time with Him. I am weary and tired and all my strength is depleted. But by God’s grace and strength, I will soar through the rest of this deployment and reintegration on wings like the hawks I saw this morning. I may have times where I dip and have to work hard, pumping my wings to climb back up into the air, but as long as I am relying on God to supply the wind beneath my wings, I will soar.
and his arm rules for him.
See, his reward is with him,
and his recompense accompanies him.
11 He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.
12 Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
or weighed the mountains on the scales
and the hills in a balance?
13 Who has understood the mind of the Lord,
or instructed him as his counselor?
14 Whom did the Lord consult to enlighten him,
and who taught him the right way?
Who was it that taught him knowledge
or showed him the path of understanding?
15 Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket;
they are regarded as dust on the scales;
he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust.
21 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood since the earth was founded?
22 He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,
and its people are like grasshoppers.
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
and spreads them out like a tent to live in.
23 He brings princes to naught
and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing.
24 No sooner are they planted,
no sooner are they sown,
no sooner do they take root in the ground,
than he blows on them and they wither,
and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff.
25 “To whom will you compare me?27 Why do you say, O Jacob,
Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One.
26 Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.
and complain, O Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord;
my cause is disregarded by my God”?
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
If you are also a military wife dealing with similar fears and emotions, know that God’s promises of strength and provision apply to you as well. Lean on Him, and you too will soar.
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